Let me come right to my first point, I'm no expert on Zen. I've not read much at all to this date. So for now, I'm practicing my Zen and that means working on ways to find peace during those harder moments of the day. I am working on ways to breathe in what is. Go internal and recognize the joy.
What I'm trying to get to is that I've been doing a fare amount of inner observation around those harder moments of marriage. I have made some sort of promise to myself to not write much about my marriage or partner here because well I'd like to protect the innocent as much as possible. But sometimes, that's hard because I like to write about what's on my mind. So as best I can I will write what's on my mind while still trying to protect the innocent. And to protect the innocent, I'm making us birds instead of people. Hope that works for you. No one will ever know.
Like some, not all I'm sure, there are prickly moments in our relationship, days when nothing feels easy. We are human, uh I mean birds and to be sure complex and multi-layered. There are times I have to believe when our chemistry just doesn't jive, when we rub each other wrong. To discuss something as simple as where to plant some new raspberry bushes feels like trying to solve one of the world's crises. And on any other day, a much more heavy decision like deciding to stay home and not look for work feels rhythmic, natural, easy. Note please, there is no blame anywhere here. I feel safe enough opening this spot on marriage because I'm writing about my role in difficult, porcupiney moments. And I'm pretending we're birds.
I feel fairly calm a good part of the time internally. I like to listen to people, hear their point of view and talk. I've not been one to look for conflict throughout most of my life. I don't like to fight or raise my voice. Though I do..in those harder moments. I like calm and peace and everyone to get along. I'm no Pollyanna but I am an optimist and like to look for the good around me. There are people I love in my life who perhaps enjoy conflict more than I and that just makes us different. I tend to sit back from the conflict and just be. And you know now I wonder what's wrong with Pollyanna anyway. Ok, back to the garden and those birds...
The male bird in this scenario well truth is while he likes a good, deep discussion or to tussle over political views or to argue a point through to the end, he's not a 'fighter' and tends to walk away from conflict that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy pushing a button or two to get a rise.
For whatever reason over the last day, feathers between the two respective adult birds around here have been ruffled. I know and I learn that its better for me to let it go when I see and feel behavior I don't necessarily enjoy. What I mean by letting it go is step away ahem fly away. Fly away and head to zen. At least that is what I know I should be doing and what I visualize for myself. I like to picture a peaceful me quietly and diligently building my nest in these harder moments.
But sometimes I may purchase the ticket for zen and somehow end up on the train to nowhere that is anything but peaceful. That happened today. In the garden of all places. I used my most peace-filled, chamomile-induced voice to discuss moving some ummm excuse me crap and junk out of our garden feeling kind of proud for trying to discuss this tender situation calmly. But I knew quickly this was not the morning for this discussion as the other bird here was in no mood. So no matter what I said or how I said it well we were spinning on the point of no return resolving nothing. Rather than remembering to get on that train bound for Zen....I kept pushing and pushing thinking that if I say what I need to say one more time, my point might just find a home in the top hat of the Papa bird. Nope not what happened. And rather than holding on for dear life to what calm I felt, I let my wings flap and flutter wildly and my chirp escalate one note higher and this bird well she found her inner fight. But, there I was flittin and flying in a way I didn't want to be, reminding myself again--girl, you are anywhere but zen.
We birds flew from the garden and headed to the next task. Me, I head to the litter box. I know they're for cats but it was there, I began to find peace while cleaning it out. And so did our kitty for having a nice clean box. I stewed, truth be told and ranted to myself and felt a lot of frustration for once again flying into a brick wall or window when I didn't have to.
Slowly, I got myself out my rant and fight by moving my body. Usually, this does the trick. I'd already worked out this morning early. But I need more so I took a bike ride with my girl in this gorgeous sunshine day and cool breeze and landed at our favorite bookstore. We spent an hour or so looking at books. We mostly borrow books from our library and rarely buy but today i did treat myself to a new book for developing web sites which I was in desperate need of. Yes. I said desperate. And my girl used a little of her bank money to buy the next in the series of fairy books she so loves. After our great bike ride, I came home and dug in the garden and weeded and weeded. Talk about a visual mantra for me today.
I think that its not always easy to get along with a partner bird. it just isn't. At least for me. And when it isn't, I know I need to step back or ahem fly away and let the said bird be. This bird needs to fly on down to Zen town in those moments for some downtime.
I also know that finding my inner fight is ok. Speaking my mind is also ok and healthy. I just know that timing is everything. There are times to keep on chirping and stay in the fight and times to fly away.
And you know after writing about these birds in their garden, I feel like I spread my wings just a little bit more and for now am settled in my nest feelin a little more zen.
