katiemae_days

through it, there lies possibility.....

 

See that girl climbing to the top of the wall. That's my girl and that seven year old inspired me to push through some old fears of mine and climb too. There I was rooting her on and feeling myself pulled to climb too but feeling scared. I wondered  "what am I scared of"? Falling? Maybe but I'd be harnessed in. Would I let fear really stop me? No, I declared. So with a big step, I harnessed in and got to climbing.   

I got on that wall and climbed to the top. Mind you, this was the easy route of a human-made climbing wall but I did it. Rock climbing has both intrigued and scared me for a long time. On this day, I chose to let go of fear and have fun. I looked only at the wall and the next hand-hold above and forgot about the ground below. This took practice.  The climbing wall 'coach' I'll call him, lit a spark in me to not stop. He got me believing in my capability to keep going and he did so with lightness, joy and a lot of humor. When I came down I jumped up and down, laughed and cheered with my girl. We are powerful women I declared. Yes we are. I see that in this place I broke the barriers of whatever boundary I had set for myself.

 

  

This young climbing coach saw possibility and he held the door open for me to step in. I did. I moved forward in the possibility of sticking with the climb and making it to the top . I stuck to the wall in spirit and let my mind go.

Look what can happen when we chose to let go of fears and thoughts that limit us. Imagine the possibility of what we may create everywhere by stepping in and moving forward.

 
 

on marriage....

I was a girl who grew up with the storybook version of marriage etched ever so elegantly in my mind. I remember the days gone by when my friends and I I would dream aloud of the boys we would some day marry. Where were they then we wondered? What could they be doing at that very moment we would ask ourselves aloud.  

And then in high school, I remember thinking, "wait a minute," I'm not rushing into anything. Mind you, I wasn't being asked to run away to Vegas or anything but back then my posse of girl friends and I would talk about the fact that we were most definitely going to enjoy a few years of freedom after college.  Well I did and then some. 

Somewhere in my twenties, and I'm sure long before I'd listen to the ole tape recorder playing in my mind "you're supposed to get married, you're supposed to get married." And yet, I hadn't a clue if I really wanted to, what it would mean or if I'd ever meet someone I'd want to be with for THE REST OF MY LIFE. 

Then at thirty, I met my match. Literally, the moment we met I caught a spark. A kinetic reaction plain and simple. We courted for seven years never quite ready to step up to the altar. 

On September 15, 2001 we got hitched. Yesterday, we celebrated nine years being married! This year I get more than ever what marriage is on the inside and how it can stretch you to new horizons. This has been a year where we've grown leaps and bounds. In this year, we rode through rough patches the size of small islands. Rough patches that sprang up between seas of calm and ease. 

The days that are more rough and rocky are not so fun. In those days, I would spin and wonder in circles looking for answers. But thankfully oh so thankfully, the darker days invite possibility for change.

With possibility, came opening and the willingness to knock down some fortress-size walls. 

And breaking down those walls has been so crucial in letting out my heart to play. I used chisels and hammers to knock down old walls that went up long long ago for the purpose of protecting who I thought I was. How ironic that in all that protecting not only was I not letting my full self out but there was no room for anyone else to step in. How is it to truly be free in relationship when we dared not step foot into the wide open expanse between one another.

One of the biggest gifts this past year has been letting go of old wounds and stories and the spinning round and round and instead choosing to break free of the old ties that bind and create a new stand, a new place of compassion and vulnerability not only for his heart but for mine. 

Marriage is work so many of us say. I choose to look at marriage much like a garden that sometimes gets a little weedy. As we tend to and nurture our space, we plant seeds of possibility and experience that mature into luscious plants that bloom and grow. In this space, there is commitment to keep gardening, tending, weeding, watering and loving.

For this beautiful garden my partner and I create, I am grateful.

 

mother's day and the parking strip chronicles part 2....

Today, a mother's day served up just how I dreamed it: a day digging in the garden under gorgeous blue skies with my family near. To start this day, my girl woke me with sweet morning hugs and a mother's day package complete with a handmade card, a mother's day poem she wrote and a packet of snapdragon seeds.  Oh and she cleaned her room as a surprise. After awhile she and I walked hand and hand to the corner store for the eggs that became part of the nice breakfast hand made by her and her Papa.

And then..to the garden. My girl and her neighbor pals set up a picnic in the front yard while I went back to shoveling my dear dear parking strip. I peeled back the cardboard sheet mulching system once again in order to hit the dirt hard so to speak and get to shoveling. The goal, to level out the landscape more.

 

 
The thrill inside of all my digging was that I stuck two plants in the ground: ornamental grasses I transplanted from other spots around the yard. These funky texture mop like breed would be the foundation of the landscape to come.

Next, I relayed the cardboard back over the dirt and made way for the two yards of wood chips my rockin neighbor was about to deliver. 

  

Wood Chips. Hurray! Wood Chips oh how I dreamed of wood chips. These sweet smelling pine chips represent a major milestone in Project Parking Strip. They signify the icing on the cake to a couple of months of sheet mulching and a few days of digging.

  
 

All the while we shoveled and raked wood chips, the kiddos were setting up a surprise mother's day lemonade stand. They shouted to every corner of our sheet "Lemonade! Lemonade!"  People came out of their houses to buy cup of the icy cold goodness. And nothing tasted better after hours of working in the dirt. 

What a mother's day! Who knew laying wood chips could be so exciting. 

As I relax now after working my muscles hard, I'm visualizing part three in the chronicles of my parking strip. Plants! Steppable Ground Covers, Salvia and sage, a few ornamental herbs and grasses and whatever else I want to experiment with.  For now I'll relish in the joy of a hard days work and a sweet and delicious mother's day in the sun. 

Hope you enjoyed your day wherever you are too.

and a Happy New Year..

Freewriting on a  New Year's Eve Afternoon.

What a difference a year makes. What a year of change and like milk apparently, change can do a body (and soul) some good. I wasn't anticipating every change but let me say I am glad things happened the way they did.

For starters...

I got laid off. Never did I expect to go into work the day after Inauguration day and leave without a job. I did know business was slow but well I just never figured I'd be cut. After all, I was doing good work, I'd contributed to the company blah blah blah. When business hurts it hurts. While I'd been secretly dreaming of quitting my job for months I did not have the kahunas to do it. I just didn't think it would be financially responsible. Well they did it for me. So after a few weeks of feeling the blues about it all, I woke up and looked at this experience as a big ole gift. I've never been one to not work and here I am months in to period of not working very consistently by my own choice and design. I launched a small web design business, started to sell some of my photography in notecard form and am about to start a year-long training of which I'll share more once I've truly embarked on this new trail. Of course there are moments, hours, days even where I shout to myself inside "what in the hoot-n-anny am I doing?..I gotta find a job" and then I stop to remind myself of this: I am here more centered from home, something I longed to be doing. And I am transitioning, a journey unto its own as I figure out this new path I'm on. So this change of going from working for someone else alongside some very nice people in a job I didn't particularly love to working more and more from home and exploring new dreams well its been a good thing.

For seconds...

I am exercising once more consistently and getting stronger. Praise the goddess of muscles and getting fit for helping me see the light of day and for that matter the beginnings of some minor tricep definition. No I'm not body-building and I'm not ripped with muscles. I am though investing in a core-fitness boot camp that is nothing short of wonderful. I am pushing myself in new ways that feels exciting and hey I like the way I feel and I'm getting stronger.

And...

My girl started first grade. I am so grateful for her joy and thrill about her new world. She is loving reading, taking pictures and writing stories of her own. She is growing and changing by the day it seems sometimes. We have had so far some spectacular days skiing in the sun, roadtripping this summer, hiking and biking and drawing and painting, reading and just being. How fast time goes. How grateful I am for the sweetness we share.

And...

The Papa continues to work hard in his profession not always finding the easiest way with budget cuts state and federal-wide but he perseveres. I am proud of him for that. I am grateful for our differences. Through them we learn.

For me, this year has flown and I am grateful for the sweetness I can taste, our health, these quiet moments, for the challenge which pushes for change, for what we have tangible and not, for my family near and far and my friendships. As we welcome in this New Year, I think about this journey of discovery. I think about growing my self, my compassion, my family. I think about challenge and flexing to greet new experiences. I think about what I can do for someone else.

For this year, I wish or you joy, peace, health and much love abound. I wish for you time in to just be as you want to be doing as you want to do.

Now I'm off to get some collard greens and black-eyed peas to make for the New Year. A tradition from my southern roots that I gladly keep.

Be safe and well and Have Good Cheer as you ring in the New Year.

and we raised our hands to the sun....

Ah we're back my girl and I from a beautiful, all-too-quick trip to Florida. Thanksgiving is my family's time to gather, celebrate and reunite. We meet in Florida because most everyone lives there. This time of year in my family is a sacred place in time. Renewing, fortifying, empowering is the time in being together.

Each night during or after our Thanksgiving meal, we go around the room and say what we are thankful for. All thirty so of us. Beautiful are these moments.

I look to my parents now in their eighties and relish every moment with them. I am honored to look to these two incredible people who raised their seven children and instilled such a sense of family in our hearts. I am grateful for my brothers who are salt of the earth each one, full of integrity and wisdom. I am thankful for my sister and sisters-in-law who for me bypass any in-law designation. I am grateful for the next generation in my nieces and nephews and all that I learn from them. I am grateful as my family continues to grow through marriage and new birth. I am grateful that with my family, I am always at home.

There are a lot of us and being with a big bunch can be overwhelming. What is most special I think are the intimate moments. A walk on the beach, a quiet talk. Seeing my girl play in delight with her cousins and uncles and aunties; Or knitting along side her older cousin and then crawling into her lap in the sun. I am grateful as I see the joy in my sweet dear father's face as he stands before us to give thanks. I am grateful as I see my mother strong and true still putting this beautiful tradition together.   These moments, every single one of them are precious. I know this. 

Another beautiful element in our time together is when the women in my family gather on the beach and celebrate one another. From ten months to eight-five, there are three generations of women connected. We share our strength, our dreams, growth and challenges, our thoughts, gratitude and our quiet. The time is sacred to be sure. We remind one another of our connection as women and as sisters generation to generation. We learn from one another. I look to my mother, our elder, to my sisters and nieces, to my daughter. I am amazed and honored we experience this together.

We were blessed this year to have a beautiful, chilly day for our circle in the sand. We raised our hands to the sun and gave thanks to the elements. We sent light to one anothe and to the outer circle beyond this circle in the sand. Every year our circle grows.

My niece took this picture of my girl and her cousin looking to the ocean. An image so precious to me. This is family. Connection. And for this, I feel so deeply grateful for our time together.

a poem shared....

In her recent letter, my niece sent me this line from "The Great Wagon" written by Rumi. I've included the entire poem below but for now, the one line:

*  *  *
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

*  *  *

Words written thousands of years ago that transcend distance of deserts, mountains, rivers, lands far and wide.  Words that prove time irrevelent.  These words a gift to be sure. This poem a weaving of words that teaches me once again there is beauty in what is, in who I am in all the many layers, in what I do, in where I am in this space in time.

Engaging in what we do in who we are with that is beauty. There is joy in following what I love doing more so than in forcing myself into something where the fire does not burn where my inner voice is saying "no." Moving in the direction where my intuition leads, where my energy ignites feels right. I am learning Who I am is not defined by a job title. Who I am is everything I do. Mother.Designer. Writer. Listener a collage of doing what I love revealed in mixed textures, colors and shapes.

I feel myself pushing on through this path of transition. bush-wacking through rough terrain some days, meandering others through gentle quiet meadows. I stop in moments and take a breath. I appreciate that I am moving, progressing forward at my pace, each step a new frontier in the experience of being. 

This past week I've felt particularly energized when it comes to my work. I completed for the most part my portfolio website. I have more work to do but the site is up and running and that feels good.With the help of a good friend, I put together a new round of my photo notecards to sell and I have a couple of freelance jobs on my plate.And I'm on the verge of making a decision about an educational pursuit that could start as early as January. The training is something I've been dreaming about for years. For various reasons, I've shyed away. I chalk it up to fear prompting me to create excuses for not moving ahead. But why? There are no words I can write or say aloud that make sense. What I know is that through continuing to walk my path, I get somewhere.

There is fear as I look ahead. Fear that I know I can face and greet. Befriend even. Fear that can propel me, challenge me, grow me. Fear and intuition strange cousins.Fear that can halt progress...sometimes. Intuition, that inner knowing that along with courage ignites the next step. Onward. Keep moving onward. Loving all the beauty that surrounds.

I thank my niece for sending this to me this day for inspiring me to think, dream and write.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. We're off to warmer weather for a few days.

* * *

The Great Wagon

When I see your face, the stones start spinning!
You appear; all studying wanders.
I lose my place.

Water turns pearly.
Fire dies down and doesn't destroy.

In your presence I don't want what I thought
I wanted, those three little hanging lamps.

Inside your face the ancient manuscripts
Seem like rusty mirrors.

You breathe; new shapes appear,
and the music of a desire as widespread
as Spring begins to move
like a great wagon.

Drive slowly.

Some of us walking alongside
are lame!

~

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

~

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.

~

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it.

~

Daylight, full of small dancing particles
and the one great turning, our souls
are dancing with you, without feet, they dance.
Can you see them when I whisper in your ear?

~

They try to say what you are, spiritual or sexual?
They wonder about Solomon and all his wives.

In the body of the world, they say, there is a soul
and you are that.

But we have ways within each other
that will never be said by anyone.

~

Come to the orchard in Spring.
There is light and wine, and sweethearts

in the pomegranate flowers.

If you do not come, these do not matter.
If you do come, these do not matter

*  *  *

and one more to share

A Community of Spirit-Rumi

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight
of walking in the noisy street
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,
and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes
to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,
if you want to be held.

Sit down in the circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
the shepard's love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.
Don't accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food.
Taste the lover's mouth in yours.

You moan, "She left me." "He left me."
Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.

– Translated by Coleman Barks

celebrating......

Today, celebrating eight years of marriage.

Eight years since I do, we will, we said.

Mountains in the distance, friends and family in the round. Our stories in between.

 

 

 

Happy Anniversary

colorado days.....

 

I'm using my dear dad's computer so I can post some pictures from our magnificent days in Colorado. No photoshop on his desktop which means no touch-ups for these few pictures. This set is from a couple of days of hiking just about twenty minutes or so from my parents. I took a lot of pictures of the clouds because they are magnificent. Everywhere I turn there is a painting in nature. Thunderclouds and rainstorms washing down from the sky. Wild geology abound on these magnificent rocks. And the flowers...beautiful, delicate, free to be from anyones pull. This is about just being in nature's presence taking it all in.

In case I've not yet made myself clear,I love Colorado and being hunkered down in the mountains, hiking or riding my bike... fast, camping eventually as we make our way home next week. Every time I sink into physical movement in nature I am reminded being out here is my meditation. What I love too, is this quiet time with my small family, the Papa and my girl. We've needed it. Time away from usual routine, from his demanding schedule as a fledgling in a new career. I want to take a piece of this time with us, tuck it away when schedules feel more chaotic perhaps. And as a reminder to get out more the three of us outside of summer. 

We've been away a couple of weeks and truth be told my mind has wondered and meandered to what is happening at home in the garden with our cat, our friends. We are incredibly fortunate to have our wonderful neighbor friends care for our greens and dear Sasha girl while we are away. I have thought also about work I need to do when I get home and then I remember to pull my mind back to center to where we are right now.

To be sunk down in these mountains is peacing whether that's a word or not I don't know but its the word that comes to mind to express how it feels for me to be here in these mountains...walking, hiking and biking. While I love where we live, there is something extraordinary about the Rockies. I love the feeling of walking just a few hundred yards on a trail and there I am smack dab in the midst of magnificent peaks and meadows. The biking here is equally beautiful as the hiking. There is great riding for road bike fans like me everywhere. Yesterday we rode twenty miles or so from Basalt, CO to Carbondale, CO on a path away from cars. I borrowed a bike from my parents that to this date is the lightest bike I've ever ridden and I pedaled hard. We rented a trail-a-bike for our girl and she pedaled the 20 like a champ with her grandparents, me and her Papa. There are paths good for kids where she can practice her two-wheelin safe from cars.

We're here a few more days then we head for our road trip home. I'm grateful for this delicious taste of a Colorado Summer.

six days on the road......

Well not six days actually. We've been away from home about a week so far with an actual three days on the road and the rest of the time we've been hunkered down visiting with my parents in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. The Papa took a class this last week down in Carbondale, Colorado at Solar Energy International. This has been a goal of his for years and finally he was able to attend a class specific for science teachers this past week on renewable energy. Being the multi-taskers that we are, we were able to tie in his course with a road trip to see my family.

I brought my laptop and camera and camera cable with grand plans of hooking into my dad's internet connection downloading photos and keeping up with my posts chock full of photos. Well, my old computer cannot access the network and I've no wireless connection. So while I have a plethora of photos taken from the car zooming at 70-plus miles per hour I'm not yet able to post any here. Yet. I think I'll preserve stories from the road for now until I can post a few photos. I am including one photo of my girl on her bike peddling around my parent's driveway before an afternoon storm came in. She moved up a size on her two-wheeler and is feeling mighty proud.

 

Since we've been at my parents, we have taken some good walks and hit the park. We've helped my parents with a few minor chores around the house that needed attention. Big rains here today which for now has postponed a trip to the pool and biking along the big path near town. But that's just fine. We have games and a piano. And my girl has discovered it. She plays away to her own tune singing songs she's writing in the moment or on the side.  I love seeing the thrill on her face when she is making music. Doesn't matter what it sounds like she's pure joy in the moment and she is bringing such joy right to the heart of her Bapa.

We're both having such fun sitting and making music. I am rediscovering my old piano skills and though I have long way to go to get my keyboard fingers back in shape, I love playing again.  As a kid, I took lessons for years right up through high school. Never practiced enough; in fact, I'd cram a week's worth of practicing in the hour after I got home from school and before I had to leave for piano class. I'd shrink as I walked into my lesson hoping my teacher wouldn't notice that I'd not practiced enough but she always did. And she let me know it, which sucked. I cried more than once in shame for not practicing enough. I never let it sink in that when I did practice, I played well and had fun. I played mostly classical and a little jazz and blues. What I loved most was playing boogie style blues and improvising with the notes I knew. I loved making my own sound.  Then and now.

My dad just dug out a book that's perfect for beginners which I consider myself now. I'm studying, relearning notes and finding my way to reach for a chord or two. I have dreams of being able to sit down with friends and jamming.

I'm glad to spend this time with my parents. With my Dad in particular who is nearing eight-five. He is healthy(knocking right now on every piece of wood around here), but his mind is changing. He is hard of hearing in one ear and deaf in the other but thankfully has a decent hearing aid which helps him hear somewhat with one ear. Talk softly into his ear and he can hear you.

My dad always a quiet gentle man is more quiet now. I like to be with him, helping him organize his office, walking, talking some and just being together. He knows his memory is not the same. He knows he needs to practice reading aloud to get words in his mouth. He knows he needs to be practicing the piano and reading complex articles. He know he needs to exercise his mind like with the diligence he exercises the rest of his muscle. He knows his mind is not the same because he tells me so.

When I am not here, we write each other daily telling of our day. I started doing this with my Dad last year when I noticed more change in his writing.  He is open always about how much he loves us his children and grandchildren and of course my mom. Never an hour goes by without him telling us how special we are to him.  My Dad is a brilliant man, a retired professor who taught post-graduate studies in foreign policy. He changed careers in his forties, got his Masters then PhD with at least six of the seven kids in our family at home all while working full-time. And though I was very young, I remember he was there to say goodnight. Yep, I feel grateful for my dad.

I know my Dad's mind is not the same but I also know he is here right now. I know we don't talk in as much detail as we once did but we talk and our connection has not changed. He is well. Aware. Loving. Present. To be here now with him is a gift.

meandering on a sunday

What you might know about me is that much of the time I like days that unfold without a roadmap or timepiece attached. Unplanned is often my preference. And yet, I plan. I definitely do and much of the time this is how I accomplish a gaggle of to dos on any given day. But my preference is to meander loosely while I accomplish.

Today was a lazy Sunday and whoa mama can lazy do a body good sometimes. I had plans of running an errand or two, weeding, starting to pack for our upcoming road trip but instead opted for much needed laziness and just hung out. After all, when I mentioned running errands to my girl, she the one who loves to write wrote me a note saying "I don't want to go to erins. She did not mean her friend Erin but rather errands of the other kind. I was easily swayed into believing I can run errands tomorrow.

Sometimes after a busy time like this week past, it sure feels good to do a whole lot of nothing. This morning after writing the note about not wanting to go to "erins", my girl asked if we could just stay home all day. Why not....after all, I needed a day hunkering down too.

And since this morning, she's been happily hanging out in her room listening to books on tape and making art. Just now she called me in to show me a few surprises. Tickled with herself for hiding art treasures around her room like face paints, water colors, beads and notes, she couldn't wait to show her mama. As she meanders and flies free through fields of art for while wearing only pajama pants sans shirt by this time of day does this mama heart good. She's beaming positively about having a day to herself too.

Today was the kind of day I would have stayed in my pajamas all day but alas I soaked my "Hello Kitty" pajama bottoms right along with my garden beds. My old t-shirt/pajama shirt stayed dry so thank the goddess of lazy Sundays II'm still wearing that.

Aside from a far from taxing chore or two, I have been tucked away right next door downloading photos, writing, surfing the internet to learn more about twitter and other web media and yes a little cleaning, folding laundry and food making. While not tending to my creative side as much as my girl today, accomplishing in small doses a few essential tasks feels good.

I did venture out to the yard a couple of other times other than the morning watering I already mentioned and then to weed a couple of beds in dire need of some attention and love. I've nearly finished my front bed  redesigns at least phase one and while for much of it I've not had a plan I'm sort of happy with the outcome. I will be happy to see my plants grow bigger, more full and take up more dirt space but I rather enjoy the  experimentation you know gardening stream of consciousness style.

I research enough to know what plants like full sun or part shade and I ask a gardening maven friend of mine for ideas and from there I let my imagination run wild within a budget of course. Putting my hands in dirt as I've written about more than once is healing, energizing and entirely satisfying to me. Seeing seedlings grow into beautiful blooms is still remarkable to me. Vegetable starts that grow into tasty eats is nourishing on a whole other level.

The more gardening I do, the more I learn and the more I'm inspired to do more. My garden is eclectic, abstract perhaps. I plant to take a risk sometimes and see what will grow. A good exercise for daily living I suppose.

And gardening, putting my hands in soil, staying quiet is my meditation. And good exercise for being in the here and now. Today was just that a day in the present, the now, the moment just being not forcing anything.

Thanks to my girl for inspiring us to just be on this Sunday.