katiemae_days

one year ago today...

I woke up this morning feeling energized and entirely grateful as I recognized that one year ago today, I was laid off from my job.

I remember going into work that day which was the day after the Inauguration. I was feeling renewed and excited. By that day(last year), the company had already laid off four people. I asked my coworker, what we could possibly do as a company, as a team to prevent further layoffs. I suggested working less hours, four day work weeks anything. She replied, there wasn't more we could do.

I turned back to my computer screen and thought I want out of here. There I was once more sitting at my desk inside my cubicle daydreaming about what I would do be doing IF I wasn't sitting there. I thought about becoming a Life/Career Coach something I'd already dreamed of years before. I thought about working from home. I visioned it. This exercise in career daydreaming on this day proved to be important because five hours later in surprise to my boss, the HR manager and most important in this story ME, the President of the company called me upstairs and laid me off.

I remember feeling numb and I can notice so clearly now my controls were set for auto-pilot. I offered my sympathies to him that he was experiencing this struggle in his company. I remember wanting the conversation to end fast. I remember looking into his eyes and not having any more to say.
I walked back downstairs and said goodbye to my friends. That part was hard in fact it sucked.

I packed my belongings, got in my car and drove away in surreality. I had been laid off. I dialed a few close friends, my husband. Forget not driving and talking in this moment, I had to talk to someone to find my way back to any sense of the life I knew before 2:30 p.m that afternoon. Each person I talked to reminded me I'd been wanting out of this job for a long time yet I wasn't ready to own that feeling quite yet.

My emotions over the next few weeks traveled from feeling scared to elated to stressed to back to scared again. Traveling the trails of my Survival Mechanism I'm sure.

A few weeks later, I got it. Being laid off was a gift and one that somehow I'd intended to receive. I stopped myself from rushing to another job that had no meaning and instead dedicated myself to figuring out what was next.

For some extra money, I went back to designing websites as Entrepreneur. And most thrilling, I allowed myself to walk into my full mother self and be home.

By summer, I was loving my freedom but knew I wanted to be on path toward growing myself in new ways. I would keep designing websites but considered again pursuing the big dream to become a Coach. I never doubted I would love the work. I loved my work as Counselor and dreamed of directing my passion for listening and guiding in new ways. So in December, leaping across fears as grand as the good ole Grand Canyon, I registered for a rigorous Coach and Leadership Training Program that allows me to work as a Coach while working toward Certification. And now here I am on this day: noticing. being..  here. This day marks 365 days walking forward on my new path.

This is a new journey that began that day last year to be sure and one that so far I am loving. Coaching is work that I know is of me and it feels right. Whatever I discover along the way, this new path is exciting.

Cheers.

a poem shared....

In her recent letter, my niece sent me this line from "The Great Wagon" written by Rumi. I've included the entire poem below but for now, the one line:

*  *  *
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

*  *  *

Words written thousands of years ago that transcend distance of deserts, mountains, rivers, lands far and wide.  Words that prove time irrevelent.  These words a gift to be sure. This poem a weaving of words that teaches me once again there is beauty in what is, in who I am in all the many layers, in what I do, in where I am in this space in time.

Engaging in what we do in who we are with that is beauty. There is joy in following what I love doing more so than in forcing myself into something where the fire does not burn where my inner voice is saying "no." Moving in the direction where my intuition leads, where my energy ignites feels right. I am learning Who I am is not defined by a job title. Who I am is everything I do. Mother.Designer. Writer. Listener a collage of doing what I love revealed in mixed textures, colors and shapes.

I feel myself pushing on through this path of transition. bush-wacking through rough terrain some days, meandering others through gentle quiet meadows. I stop in moments and take a breath. I appreciate that I am moving, progressing forward at my pace, each step a new frontier in the experience of being. 

This past week I've felt particularly energized when it comes to my work. I completed for the most part my portfolio website. I have more work to do but the site is up and running and that feels good.With the help of a good friend, I put together a new round of my photo notecards to sell and I have a couple of freelance jobs on my plate.And I'm on the verge of making a decision about an educational pursuit that could start as early as January. The training is something I've been dreaming about for years. For various reasons, I've shyed away. I chalk it up to fear prompting me to create excuses for not moving ahead. But why? There are no words I can write or say aloud that make sense. What I know is that through continuing to walk my path, I get somewhere.

There is fear as I look ahead. Fear that I know I can face and greet. Befriend even. Fear that can propel me, challenge me, grow me. Fear and intuition strange cousins.Fear that can halt progress...sometimes. Intuition, that inner knowing that along with courage ignites the next step. Onward. Keep moving onward. Loving all the beauty that surrounds.

I thank my niece for sending this to me this day for inspiring me to think, dream and write.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. We're off to warmer weather for a few days.

* * *

The Great Wagon

When I see your face, the stones start spinning!
You appear; all studying wanders.
I lose my place.

Water turns pearly.
Fire dies down and doesn't destroy.

In your presence I don't want what I thought
I wanted, those three little hanging lamps.

Inside your face the ancient manuscripts
Seem like rusty mirrors.

You breathe; new shapes appear,
and the music of a desire as widespread
as Spring begins to move
like a great wagon.

Drive slowly.

Some of us walking alongside
are lame!

~

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

~

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.

~

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it.

~

Daylight, full of small dancing particles
and the one great turning, our souls
are dancing with you, without feet, they dance.
Can you see them when I whisper in your ear?

~

They try to say what you are, spiritual or sexual?
They wonder about Solomon and all his wives.

In the body of the world, they say, there is a soul
and you are that.

But we have ways within each other
that will never be said by anyone.

~

Come to the orchard in Spring.
There is light and wine, and sweethearts

in the pomegranate flowers.

If you do not come, these do not matter.
If you do come, these do not matter

*  *  *

and one more to share

A Community of Spirit-Rumi

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight
of walking in the noisy street
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,
and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes
to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,
if you want to be held.

Sit down in the circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
the shepard's love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.
Don't accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food.
Taste the lover's mouth in yours.

You moan, "She left me." "He left me."
Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.

– Translated by Coleman Barks

fear and the art of being uncomfortable....

Presenting Live: another post from my streaming consciousness. This one on fear at least that's wha'ts on my mind right now.

I wrote about fear awhile back in this post. One thing I love about writing this blog is whoa mama does it provide the opportunity to see where I've been, what the heck I've been thinking about and yes what I've been doing. I reread the post to know where in my mind I was May 14, 2009. In reading back, I gave myself a good reminder of my tools and a little encouragement to keep walking towards what scares me. Putting into words that which scares me is still hard. I think mostly because I don't know how to put words to it.

Are you confused yet? I might be. Anyway, I digress..

I started exercising more regularly recently, meeting with a group of peeps early early in the morning at nearby park that sits right on the water. We work out..more specifically we work our core. I love this time for myself, for my body, to for my mind. I am feeling the burn quite certainly while I try to do one more plank style push-ups or raise that 15lb kettle bell for one more repetition. I am treating myself to this class because I know I need it. I like moving, exercising and being strong and for awhile I've been more removed from that place than I would like. I know for me the discipline of having to be somewhere at a certain time and having an expert provide the exercises that will help me strengthen my core works even if it costs a little.

I write about exercise for a couple of reasons. One is that to exercise as I mentioned helps me feel strong in my mind and body and what better way to walk towards fear than with a little more strength. Core strength for mind and body. Secondly, exercise promotes endorphins and well let's face it  they make me feel goo--ood. I guess while working my core deep this morning, I stirred a few emotions: a little fear, uncomfortableness and yes excitement.

I have loved so far our summer. Not working and being available to my girl. I love the freedom of loose schedules of hanging out at home, the park or beach or making play-date trades with other friends. I love our ability to hit the road if we feel like or stay home and take walks around the block to search for fairy treasures or do art all day. I realize this summer is somewhat luxurious and a first for me in a long set of years that I haven't worked outside our home. I like it this way. Somehow, whatever work I create having summer-freedom feels important to the design of that next paying gig.

So back to the topic at hand...fear and the art of being uncomfortable. When it comes to this journey in my transition well the edges of these two emotions are quite water. Deciphering one emotion from the other is not easy. I think of late I've been feeling a little bit uncomfortable with the unknowns of being with out a traditional job mean right now and yes that can lead to fear.  I continue to feel for the most part positive and trusting in my intuition that things will fall into place as long as I keep stepping toward what feels right.

I am working very part-time right now and from home designing a website here and there. I've had to learn new web skills fairly quickly to build even a basic website and that has given me a jolt of uncomfortableness and yes even the much dreaded feeling of stress. Yet, now a week into a new website design and build I'm feeling proud of learning some new skills and ready to take on a little more. I'm wiser now knowing and admitting I love the design part of web development more than the build though I like understanding and figuring out the code that makes good web design.

Being uncomfortable in this gig that I also am enjoying quite a lot too has given me the opportunity to pause and take stock in what I love. I love to design. I love to write. I love to take pictures and always I want to be exercising these passions in my life avocationally or otherwise. What I also love is to listen to people and help them reach down inside to figure out their calling or goal in the short-term or long. So what to do with that. Well, I think I'm getting somewhere with it. I use to work as a career counselor and while I don't want to go back to that particular specific job, there are parts of that work I love and  know are a core part of what drives me. That is listening to stories from daily life. Truly, a passion. So at this new place in my life, I'm looking at piecing what I love from past work in a new direction. I am reluctant to say yet what it is because I'm in the midst of researching the nuts and bolts. I have to make decisions soon and take some big steps and commit to a little more training. I know I'm feeling more ready to get back to earning towards the family pot in a more substantial way but in ways to flow right for my family as a whole. 

Uncomfortable? Yes, a little as I walk through this transition. It can get hot in here--but the visual is so strong for me to not turn back to what I know but rather keep walking through the fear toward what is new in possibility and opportunity.

I'll write it out very soon. For now, I can shake a little more fear and uncomfortableness out as I put it out there in this blog. Vague still as it may be.

Thanks for tuning in.

for the mamas....

"Calgon Take me Away..."  Does anyone remember that ad?  Well, it came reeling back to me a couple of nights ago, when I felt a little tapped. My resources had runneth...dry.  I was just having an afternoon. Feeling a little edgy in need of some space. The cure I know would have been some time in my garden but it was pouring and  though that's not stopped me before with a girl in the shower, dinner in need of being thought up and made and a papa none to well splayed out on the couch watching hockey, gardening wasn't in the plans. I felt like going out for the evening just to get away with myself but also not in the plans. After voicing aloud an "ugh, this Mama feels spent, depleted tonight", my girl gave me one giant hug and told me she loved me and yes, this helped. And then I poured myself one glass of wine, took a deep breath in and yes, that helped too.

This week, I've been thinking about balance, finding it, losing it, finding it again in the world of being a mama. My post on weeding has had me thinking... Weeds are like needs. One bed tended too, the other one..full of weeds again overgrown. 

Alas. This, I'm convinced is life. Mamas in my circle of dear friends are in a similar cycle this week it seems because  everywhere I turn, my women friends are feeling slightly overtapped. And mind you, no one is complaining really, rather just sharing their story with another Mama who is listening and sharing her stories right along side.

Mamas putting out there percentages well over 100 to their young ones, to their work whether at home or school or outside of home, to their relationships. And Papas, maybe putting out just the same but this post is dedicated for and to the mamas, with Mother's Day coming and all.

I am intrigued and want to continue to explore how we refuel ourselves. How we save some percentage of energy for renewal in ourselves. I am looking at how we reuse, recycle, repurpose ourselves. Thinking about mamaecology is quite a passion of mine. Hearing stories and trying to help a sister Mama simplify her issue at hand, or feel better in a particular moment, or help to take one something off of her plate on a given day is what I love, building community among one another. 

The Mamas I know, are dedicated completely to providing all that they can of themselves for their children, their work at hand, their relationships and I'll say this again no one is complaining. Venting but not complaining. And hey complaining is aloud now and again. Sometimes it feels good just to say a loud "Ugh! or Waaah!" and move on.

With the venting sometimes comes self-chastising for even speaking aloud our harder moments. Mamas I know including myself holding a measuring stick of expectations as high as the moon about what needs to get done, how well we are or are not parenting, how healthy the meal is on our table, how well we are doing whatever work is at hand, how clean our home is, how big our laundry pile may be getting. And in that venting exercise, not much about how well we are nourishing themselves. 

Selfish to be wondering how to nourish, replenish ourselves? Nope.There is something in telling our truths that can be liberating. Even for the opportunity to breathe. I notice sometimes, we shudder in saying aloud anything that can be connoted as a negative or dare i say a complaint. Perhaps we may even feel guilt for feeling tired, spent, tapped and more so for talking about it out loud. Because we love our children with all that we have, and are blessed for the opportunities that we have to be doing what we do, we hesitate to say what we feel or even feel what we feel in the harder moments. There may be some part of us that feels less than if we dare share that we may be struggling. I'm not generalizing, perhaps there are many who never feel an ounce of anything but joy and delight in all that they balance but in the circle of powerful Mamas I know, there are moments.

To share though with one another is freeing I believe. From sharing and letting ourselves pour out, we grow by millimeters...miles. From purging, we create room perhaps for letting new energy in.

Venting makes room for breathing again. Venting can bring perspective. Movement forward. Recognition of what is. Tapping in to what is real. The opportunity to remember ourselves and nourish ourselves so we can nourish who and what are in our life. We nourish to renew our faith in what we believe. In the belief in ourselves. We nourish so we regain our optimism and gratitude.

When we vent, we can still love and feel tremendous gratitude for who and what we have in our lives. We can perpetuate forward motion with all that we have. When we let out loud what we feel, another ear, another voice tuning in may offer help, a new perspective, a reminder of what we may have forgotten about ourselves.

Mamas, nourish yourselves. Breathe in. Remember to be good to yourself. Say aloud. Good Job Mama for getting breakfast on the table, lunch made. Or for curling up in your favorite chair and reading a book today. Good Job Mama for saying "No" to putting one more thing on your plate and taking time instead for yourself in your garden.

And now for some gratitude...for my own Mama for who has taught me strength, loyalty, discipline, for sharing her stories and her mama's stories that undoubtedly become a part of me. For my sisters who make me laugh. Hard. For the time to work on who I want to be as mama and all that that encompasses. For my girl who teaches me everyday patience, understanding and being in the moment. For  the opportunities to even think and ponder on these ideas. For an amazing circle of women I am blessed to be part of. For my garden, the one outside that awaits me and the one inside...me. 

Happy Mama's Day to all the magnificent Mamas in my world and in the greater world. I learn from each of you something new everyday.

Have a beautiful day.

a passage to an opening...

I am nearly 100 pages into a new book and I can't seem to put it down at least that's how it was last night when I forced myself to turn off the light at 12:30 am. I'm reading "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan. I'd posted a YouTube link to an essay written by Corrigan called "Transcending: Words on Women and Strength". "The Middle Place" is a beautiful book. Her writing exquisite to me because her voice is relatable, and raw. She is someone I'd like to hang with, hear stories from. She is a writer you can feel. She weaves together stories in the present and past, of herself as daughter and her self as mother and wife.There is more to the core of this book but for now I wanted to share one passage that hits me deep. The Prologue introduces the reader to her father George. Here she describes him in light of what he does for her....

"He told me once I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist, along with creative, a notion he put in my head when I was in grade school and used to make huge, intricate collages from his old magazines. Those early characterizations can become the shimmering self-image we embrace, or the limited, stifling perception we rail against for a lifetime. In my case he sees me as I would like to be seen. I'm not even sure what's true about me since I've chosen to believe his vision."

I love this and believe it to be so true. I sat there in my car reading this again and again while waiting to pick up my girl from school. I called a dear mama friend and read it to her. To give to my girl, that love and belief in who she is what I want to do as a mama. I want to help raise a person who is strong in herself, who loves her self and believes in her capabilities, who is who she knows herself to be and shines from the inside out, who is a giver and contributor to the world around her.  I love to see my girl as she is growing older feeling who she is and shining, finding her way day by day and being her own true sassy self. When she doubts herself, I can listen, let her feel that and then remind her what I know. I hope with all of my heart that my girl will continue to see herself as we see her--incredibly loving, a ray of energy and light,funny, an observer and gatherer of details, a singer and dancer and storyteller, strong physically and in her spirit, adventurous, and at time pushing boundaries and whoever else she develops to be

As I read this, I couldn't help but wander who am I based on the early characterizations of my parents. I have incredible parents there is no doubt of that. Their visions helped shape the parts of myself I love most...and least.

For some good ole therapeutic honesty here, as far as how my parents related their visions of me to me, there was a mixed bag. My mother is someone who let's just say never coddled nor beat around the bush when it came to telling me just what she thought--about my hair, weight, clothes--the surface stuff. I don't remember her characterizing my nature...that was my dad's gift. Today my mom is different. She tells me often how much she believes in me, my capabilities and strengths.  I guess the early years were more about tough zingers of love.

Looking back, there were days her words could sting.  I remember the feeling of shrinking inside myself--thinking well if she's thinking I weigh too much then it must be true. Not easy to work past those visions of self doubt...I still work at it. That voice no matter how old lies deep and while I can hear the voice I don't any longer have to listen to it.

What's amazing I suppose is my dad was the opposite. He was and still is one of the most openly loving, gentle souls I know. Always bolstering me and conveying his upmost belief in who I was from the inside out. He told me I was sweet and loved and kind, and smart. A vision I clung on to.

My Mom I know now is my champion. She is for all of her children. She is fierce, a lioness to be sure. She is not a coddler except with the very young and when we are at our most vulnerable. She is there always unconditionally. Her no nonsense tough love approach helped shape me too to be strong at the core. I know now being a parent we try hard to do our best. We convey love the best way we know how. She did this, her delivery not always easy.

As I evolve still, I am trying to vision my self as I want to be. My true self. This is the transition of now and letting my self swim to the surface and be.

I love this passage for what it stirs for me as the daughter of two incredible people and for how it inspires me as a parent.

Now I breathe after letting a little more of my inside out.

spinning around the sun.....

Here is a random smattering of photos to celebrate a beautiful week. The Papa, my girl and I left last week for sunny peaks of British Columbia to ski and spend some quiet time together. We head for Sun Peaks for three days of ski and relaxing family time. The Papa has been working all kinds of crazy hours and so down time together this last week, his Spring Break was nothing short of delicious. We set off in the rain and two hours into the drive, met up with big snow,  hard driving, blowing snow where inches pile up in a matter of minutes. It felt wild actually to be in a snowstorm during the first days of April.

A few hours later, we arrived at Sun Peaks where it continued to snow snowe all day. We arrived late enough in the day that we didn't ski but instead had a great time exploring the small village and getting to know the lay of this sweet land.The Papa scored a great deal on a place to stay basically right on the mountain. For these three days,  we cooked, skied, played games, worked on a puzzle, went swimming and watched cable late night,(that was me--something about access to free movies and random TV and vacation and well enough said).

We woke early the next morning after our arrival and hit the slopes. By then the sun was shining. The Papa had to wrap up some work so my girl and I head out first. We skied miles and miles together. She was so proud to ski these long runs a new and exciting challenge from where we usually ski. We called it a day in the early afternoon and decided to hit the hot tub only it was way too hot so we made our own in our bathtub. We sat in a warm tub and just bonded my girl and I talking about our day, and on to sharing about what we are most proud of and what we like most in ourselves I relished this time, no running errands, no racing to make dinner, feeling deep gratitude for the simplicity and beauty of just this time. Also grateful for the Papa getting to relax and still be out skiing enjoying his solo time. 

Day two of skiing was even more spectacular. The three of us skied and skied and then met up with a schoolmate of my girl's and her family. Her pal has been skiing for three years and she's five! She inspired my girl to say the least. My girl was so excited to try whatever she tried, skiing some bigger hills through smaller track trails. I was so proud of my little one not for any other reason than witnessing her joy and belief in her own abilities and flying so free. She was rockin her skis and having so much fun--let's say this mama's heart was bursting.  This day was pure joy. Sure swimming in the community pool and soothing my muscles in the hot hot tub while the sun set was icing on the cake but most of all joy came from the three of us being together.

We wrapped up our Sun Peaks adventure the next morning with a short hike in the snowy woods.The sun shining strong again, not a cloud in the sky. We explored the snowshoe trails on foot. My girl was playing "junior scientist" a role she loved explaining ice to me and snow melt imagining how the ice came, how thick the snow layer might be. She loved being my scientist guide for our hike through the woods. We were tired by the time we started our drive home and she and I slept half of the way home while the Papa drove.

We are back home now enjoying my girl's Spring Break  this week. We have loved so far easy days, not planning a whole lot of anything other than playing with friends and new neighbors, going to the park, dying eggs and just chilling out in the beautiful sunshine of Spring that came to town.

With this sweet time, I have been thinking and feeling a lot of gratitude for having this time to be at home again. I realize more each day that I'm not searching for anything right now. Rather, I am hunkering down in my home state being where I am focused on me as mama, and me as my own self. I just know for right now, home feels right. And for me in this experience, home means being available, centered, focused on these minutes, hours, days raising our girl.  My most recent experience with the job I held for the last 3 plus years tugged too much at my mother soul. I think because it didn't fill my heart on its own nor resonate with me down deep. I worked for the important purpose of bringing home a paycheck when the Papa was going to school full-time. I look back and remember how much I wrestled with sitting in the same place everyday in a place I didn't want to be. Being laid off was the kick in the butt I needed to breathe anew and wake up. I'm not at all saying I won't work again or that I don't believe in bringing home a paycheck. I just know that whatever I do to make that happen, I want to be doing something that I want to be doing. Whatever I do, let it be energy filling not draining.

I have been talking about this aloud more and more because I do believe the more we put it all out there, the more possibility we create that which we want. So in the last month, I have found a few freelance gigs as I term them designing websites and coming up organizing an office space. This feels good and scary. Scary in the way that I judge myself harshly to say the least. I question always am I a good enough designer, do I really know what I am doing? Some of that fright pushes me harder to learn more, get better at whatever I do and some of it just needs to be tossed.  Feel the fear, push on the through. I know there's a whole lot more to write about this but its late.

So as a new potential web client approached me last week to design a website, I first thought "no" my skills are outdated, I don't know enough. Then internally I said "enough!", say yes!, what are you nuts? And I did. I realize that night how important it is for me to say yes, more, when it is the right thing to do, I have to put myself out there to manifest my visions into being. Sitting by waiting doesn't make things happen. What I know is I caan fill a particular niche with what I know and make people who are not familiar with website design feel more comfortable.

I know for me its practice everyday to wield the balance of being home because I want that and saying yes enough to generate freelance work that is fun and helps pay some bills. Really, I have no idea where any of this will go and I don't think that matters today. I think continuing to be where it feels good is about allowing my self to be guided by intuition--that is home for me. Continuing to build and renew my skills is important And in all of that I will continue to explore within quietly and see where things lead. Dig in to what I'm curious about and see what happens.There is more I want to do with the skills that run deep within me. So each day I am trying to exercise these parts of me more and more.

I had no idea where this post was going when I started to write. Frankly, I thought I'd just post some photos and write more later. But here I am in a verbal spew of sorts in the most positive sense. Here's a post about what's on my mind right now at close to 2:15 am. and that said I better close this now  because I've got a date to dye more eggs tomorrow with a pal and 3 sweet little ones. If there's anything that doesn't make sense here, please let's chalk it up to it being really late or really early!

Happy Spring. Happy Sun.

on the board...

This project is well over a year in the making...no not painting the trim upstairs, that one's still in the making..the project I'm referring to is none other than my "vision board". my dear friend and soul sister who I call Puck inspired me to create my board as a way of putting down some of what I'm dreaming in visual form. She recommended doing the board during the new moon.

So soon after my rich visit with Puck, I ran into my good pal in the produce section of our local grocery store and I'd mentioned the idea to her..you know apples, oranges and ..vision boards! They go together right? She was down with the idea and we set a date to create our boards together.  Today was the day. I was plumb tired  this morning after my girl awoke at nearly 2am from a scary dream and then her Papa was snoring louder than a chainsaw well let's just say it wasn't the most restful night of sleep for me, the mama. That said, there was no stopping me from clipping and collaging my vision into being. What was most rich perhaps was just talking and letting our thoughts roll while pouring over magazines and catalogs finding inspiring words and photos. After clipping for nearly two hours, we put our visions down. What I loved was the color and vibrancy in our boards. I loved seeing our visions and inspirations sprout into being. Beautiful.

The process organic. My favorite way. Unstructured, unplanned. We'd each clipped so much we have the makings of a second board. I decided actually to make a two-sided board which I'll hang. I look at my board now sitting in my office space and feel energized. The colors, words, photos symbols of what I want to acknowledge, remember and know in my daily life. I created this vision holding somewhere in my thoughts the idea of my transition and where I want to go with it, what I want to create. Side two perhaps is where I'll play that out even more.

I love that I have something to hold and look at and visualize upon. Yes! I love that at the start of our visit together I was dragging, so tired and by the end felt renewed and re-energized. A big cup of strong coffee didn't hurt either. I love that I got to share this experience with my good friend. As I wrote to her just a little while ago, had we not planned on doing this together my vision board might be a project undone for another long while. Vision board created...now maybe on to the trim! Or maybe the Papa can do that one..let's be real, I suck at painting trim..

Thanks to my pal too as she was the photographer this morning capturing our visualizations in the making.

And to round out this beautiful day, my girl and I went and sampled the cupcakes at the new cupcake shop  in town. We ended up playing cards for hours and visiting with the owner and her daughter, enjoying a completely rich time in the edible sense and otherwise. The shop is lovely, relaxing decorated in polka dots, pastels..furnished in white wooden tables and big comfy chairs. A steady stream of customers of all ages made there way in for a cupcake or two while we were there. After meeting the owner, I could feel the shop to be her vision. She loves baking and you feel that. You feel her warmth and welcoming in her personality and in the vibe of the shop. We sat in the big cozy chairs and played "Go Fish", "Crazy 8s" and 3 rounds of "Old Maid". My girl asked why they called the game "Old Maid" and well that was a fun one to try and explain. Toss that expression right out the window along with any worries about the super-rich, super chocolaty frosting, calorie-packed frosting and cake I put in my body this afternoon!

press send and put yourself out there...

A few weeks back, I'd written about a book called "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. This book is soul stirring as I may have mentioned. The kind of book where I've laid awake reading until 2 or 3 in the morning weeping, and highlighting line after line so moved by the stories shared. The soul stirring part well for me that means waking up. I look at myself, the work part of myself and recognize I'd been sitting still for a long time. I felt tied to the job, obligated to keep working to bring home the bacon. 

And in this time since my layoff, there are moments I feel a little unsure about roaming this unknown fronteir of "what next." The unknown is a good thing, the path for growth. Yes. I will trust in this.

With this layoff and this economy, I have my own moments of questioning what i am doing. I know perhaps this might be a a rather strange thing to sit back and just be for awhile. But then down deep, I know being just being in this time of not knowing what is next is just what I need to be doing. And I am entirely grateful to the Papa and his job right now.  Grateful too that he has supported my taking this time to explore and just be...just be mama, just be me and just be at home. Grateful, that I even have this luxury of taking this time right now. And grateful too that I am really digging on this time!

So getting back to the title of this post, "press send and get out there.." reading "Broken Open" inspired me to write. On one particular night, I read until 2 or 3 in the morning then laid awake. I was reflecting on what I'd read and also thinking about Kyle Roger's passing just a few days before. Words came to me almost as a vision, I could feel their rhythm so much so that I had to get up to write them down. I wrote this poem for Kyle's family and sent it along to them. Tonight, I sent the poem to Elizabeth Lesser, the author of "Broken Open" to say thank you for her inspiring words.

And in the spirit of pressing send, or hitting publish, bottom line putting myself out there and checking out the unknown...here's the poem that came to me that February 11, 2009 in the wee hours of the morning.

.

 

hearts broken open

by love so deep

hear the sound

calling

 

songs

of joy and sorrow

intertwined;

grace embodied

in you

 

find peace in

 

hearts broken open

by the courage and beauty

you share;

hear the sound

this is LOVE

resounding

never denied, unwavering, shining in the light

and the dark.

 

hear this call

of love,

the great horn sounds

echoes across the sea,

the mountains,

echoing on and on forever more

 

this love

is here

and everywhere

in the deep

know it to be true

shines in you

hold it

you reveal everpresent courage and strength

a warrior's grace

 

hearts broken open

by love you share

unstoppable

magnificent

inspiring

pain and joy

illuminated

in your grace

 

hearts broken open

so many are we, touched;

beating this song of love

moved and forever

changed

by this beautiful boy

by each one of you

the love, and joy

you share

 

hearts broken open

so many for who

you have given your open heart

immeasurable this gift is;

breathe in

this love returned

let it wash over you

nourish you

 

hearts broken open

hear the sound

calling for you

reach up

feel these hands and hearts

that surround you

throughout time

arms open always

 

 

he soars

in nature everpresent

in your heart;

your light, this beautiful boy

shines on

forever more

his mark everpresent

in love, hands and hearts connected

 

he soars high and free

limitless,

shining in radiant light

 

hearts broken open

illuminating

love and light

reach high for the light

held by his glorious spirit

pain and joy meet as one

this is grace

your grace

dark into light

never will it fade away

copyright kathy weinkle 2/2009

diving into the open...

So my responsibility in being able to collect unemployment is to make 3 job search contacts each week or attend a workshop at the local unemployment(UI) office. Seems reasonable. Like so many others who've recently lost their jobs, this is my first experience meandering the UI maze from a first person perspective. Long ago, Iused to run weekly workshops at the local UI office on how to connect with technical college training opportunities. At the local community college, I used to teach workshops on career planning and exploration, job search, finding ones passion and here I am now a student unto myself.

I find myself looking through ads fairly quickly, admittedly, because truth is I don't want to plug right back into to a traditional job just yet or at least a job like my last that could easily go away. I do what I'm supposed to do because I need the UI check and frankly like so many I've earned it.

Reflecting on the job I just left, I can say my work served a purpose most definitely. I was able to contribute necessary earnings into the family pot. I brought home the bacon as I used to tell my little one. And the purpose that job served was undoubtedly an important one. I supported our family while my husband went back to school to find his passion work and make a great leap into a new career.

I know though what the difference is in my heart between working my passion and not.  I gave my job most of my all that is for sure and made sure to do my work excellently every day. I sat on the phone resolving customer issues. I made the most of a routine job and found ways to put my old skills as a counselor to work and provide sound listening to the sometimes angry even ballistic person on the other side of the phone. I actually learned a lot about letting go, not taking things so personally and putting issues in perspective. I had fun even when I turned someone's otherwise negative experience around or when I'd get into a long conversation with one of my customer's about how they started their business. The part of my job I enjoyed was listening to stories..most of the time and working with some good hearted people. What was missing from my place of employment was passion not just from me but as a whole. Most people who work there are not passionate about the work at hand. They do their jobs well yes but there is a difference. And the passion and even drive that is missing affects the ability to form an energetic team, or an environment rich in communication and vision. There are individuals who have passion and drive and caring yes but I believe this has to permeate from the top down. The employee has to feel the passion from the one in charge the one leading us all through the fields day to day. I believe the one in charge is passionate about the business but about leading or driving or creating a team, I'm just not sure. And the tricky part of all of this is people do have to work to live. It is scary to write that, it ifeels huge and maybe not always true? But people have rent or mortgage to pay, food to grow or buy, families to care for. There perhaps is not always the time or luxury of holding out for passion work or for some it just doesn't matter. A job is a job and having passion for it is not essential. They live their passions outside of work. Valid to be sure. For me though, having tasted and dined on passion work well well there is a big difference and if I'm going to earn a pay check, I much rather be doing work I love. This I know for sure.

As I reassess and have the privilege to just be for a bit and take a little time to open myself up to looking deeper perhaps taking some risks towards whatever is new out there, I know I want to work either for myself or team with others who are passionate and have vision for what they are doing or where they are going. What is it I ask myself that you want to be doing for work? I have no idea. But I begin with finding what my passions are. I have had the great fortune to do work I love, that is passion work.  I look back at that time in my life and though I made the choice to leave my job because I was ready for change, I can still feel what it is I loved and feel the feeling of doing the work and being one with it. I taught and counseled adults in career transition. If i pick apart the nuts and bolts of the work, what I loved most was engaging people in their own stories, helping them see the light of their own passions and walking with them as they found the courage and risk-taking to step towards aligning themselves more closely with what they dreamed to do. What I loved was listening to stories from individuals who sat and visited with me and how I was able to help them pick points from their stories to find times in their life when they felt passionate or excited about something. I know enough now, I don't want to return to that same work however I could easily see gleaming the parts that I loved most and creating a new scene.

I know I love to write. How well do I write, I'm not sure and not worried about that just yet. I know I love to put my thoughts as random and streaming as they are down. I have begun through this blog to share them with whoever reads them. I love working through thoughts and issues in writing. Healthy for me to be quiet and sit and let what's on my mind come through my hands.

So finding my passions, I know some of what they are and now I think I just keep reflecting on all that I love and mark it, know it, share it. I keep digging in quietly to this new opening, this new transition. I listen to the fire in my belly as I find myself pulled to do things, perhaps volunteer to help someone in need or walk a different path quiet literally on my morning walk. These are chances, opportunities to discover something new.

There are moments of being scared, they come and go. But scared is good. Uncomfortable is good. Change cannot happen without it. What scares me? Oh, I think how will we make it without my extra income? Then I think, "of course we can, we've done it before. We live fairly frugally and I'm all about cutting back and more back on spending. I am grateful that for now the Papa is in a job he enjoys and is working so hard at.

I think in my lower moments but don't I have someplace I have to go everyday where I can count on a paycheck?  Then I wake up and say "Yahoo! That's right sister! Isn't that great. You are home! And I love cooking and having time to paint the wall that needed painting for the last 5 months! And having time to organize a little bit.

The startling fact I keep reminding myself is I am a Mother too! This is important work of its own. Passion work. I am here. I am at home. And I love this time. I have asked for this time. And realizing this brings me back to the center of my soul knowing I don't have to keep looking out. Rather keep looking in for what is already.

The sun is shining, time for me to go walk and feel the earth below keeping me grounded as I explore the open.

Happy Day to you.

passion + vision...

looking toward the mountains as a way to free my mind. how to not think too hard...how to let things just be so that in time I have some clarity about figuring out what I want in the work part of my life and how I get there. climbing out of the box that was, trying to imagine what can be..

passion + vision....

more to say on this...in time. i am realizing just how important a clear mind is so that new ideas can grow, so the slate of what was can be wiped clean and so that this inner self of mine can be free to flow in this new shift.

hope you all have a peaceful, free-thinking weekend