katiemae_days

on marriage....

I was a girl who grew up with the storybook version of marriage etched ever so elegantly in my mind. I remember the days gone by when my friends and I I would dream aloud of the boys we would some day marry. Where were they then we wondered? What could they be doing at that very moment we would ask ourselves aloud.  

And then in high school, I remember thinking, "wait a minute," I'm not rushing into anything. Mind you, I wasn't being asked to run away to Vegas or anything but back then my posse of girl friends and I would talk about the fact that we were most definitely going to enjoy a few years of freedom after college.  Well I did and then some. 

Somewhere in my twenties, and I'm sure long before I'd listen to the ole tape recorder playing in my mind "you're supposed to get married, you're supposed to get married." And yet, I hadn't a clue if I really wanted to, what it would mean or if I'd ever meet someone I'd want to be with for THE REST OF MY LIFE. 

Then at thirty, I met my match. Literally, the moment we met I caught a spark. A kinetic reaction plain and simple. We courted for seven years never quite ready to step up to the altar. 

On September 15, 2001 we got hitched. Yesterday, we celebrated nine years being married! This year I get more than ever what marriage is on the inside and how it can stretch you to new horizons. This has been a year where we've grown leaps and bounds. In this year, we rode through rough patches the size of small islands. Rough patches that sprang up between seas of calm and ease. 

The days that are more rough and rocky are not so fun. In those days, I would spin and wonder in circles looking for answers. But thankfully oh so thankfully, the darker days invite possibility for change.

With possibility, came opening and the willingness to knock down some fortress-size walls. 

And breaking down those walls has been so crucial in letting out my heart to play. I used chisels and hammers to knock down old walls that went up long long ago for the purpose of protecting who I thought I was. How ironic that in all that protecting not only was I not letting my full self out but there was no room for anyone else to step in. How is it to truly be free in relationship when we dared not step foot into the wide open expanse between one another.

One of the biggest gifts this past year has been letting go of old wounds and stories and the spinning round and round and instead choosing to break free of the old ties that bind and create a new stand, a new place of compassion and vulnerability not only for his heart but for mine. 

Marriage is work so many of us say. I choose to look at marriage much like a garden that sometimes gets a little weedy. As we tend to and nurture our space, we plant seeds of possibility and experience that mature into luscious plants that bloom and grow. In this space, there is commitment to keep gardening, tending, weeding, watering and loving.

For this beautiful garden my partner and I create, I am grateful.

 

one year ago today...

I woke up this morning feeling energized and entirely grateful as I recognized that one year ago today, I was laid off from my job.

I remember going into work that day which was the day after the Inauguration. I was feeling renewed and excited. By that day(last year), the company had already laid off four people. I asked my coworker, what we could possibly do as a company, as a team to prevent further layoffs. I suggested working less hours, four day work weeks anything. She replied, there wasn't more we could do.

I turned back to my computer screen and thought I want out of here. There I was once more sitting at my desk inside my cubicle daydreaming about what I would do be doing IF I wasn't sitting there. I thought about becoming a Life/Career Coach something I'd already dreamed of years before. I thought about working from home. I visioned it. This exercise in career daydreaming on this day proved to be important because five hours later in surprise to my boss, the HR manager and most important in this story ME, the President of the company called me upstairs and laid me off.

I remember feeling numb and I can notice so clearly now my controls were set for auto-pilot. I offered my sympathies to him that he was experiencing this struggle in his company. I remember wanting the conversation to end fast. I remember looking into his eyes and not having any more to say.
I walked back downstairs and said goodbye to my friends. That part was hard in fact it sucked.

I packed my belongings, got in my car and drove away in surreality. I had been laid off. I dialed a few close friends, my husband. Forget not driving and talking in this moment, I had to talk to someone to find my way back to any sense of the life I knew before 2:30 p.m that afternoon. Each person I talked to reminded me I'd been wanting out of this job for a long time yet I wasn't ready to own that feeling quite yet.

My emotions over the next few weeks traveled from feeling scared to elated to stressed to back to scared again. Traveling the trails of my Survival Mechanism I'm sure.

A few weeks later, I got it. Being laid off was a gift and one that somehow I'd intended to receive. I stopped myself from rushing to another job that had no meaning and instead dedicated myself to figuring out what was next.

For some extra money, I went back to designing websites as Entrepreneur. And most thrilling, I allowed myself to walk into my full mother self and be home.

By summer, I was loving my freedom but knew I wanted to be on path toward growing myself in new ways. I would keep designing websites but considered again pursuing the big dream to become a Coach. I never doubted I would love the work. I loved my work as Counselor and dreamed of directing my passion for listening and guiding in new ways. So in December, leaping across fears as grand as the good ole Grand Canyon, I registered for a rigorous Coach and Leadership Training Program that allows me to work as a Coach while working toward Certification. And now here I am on this day: noticing. being..  here. This day marks 365 days walking forward on my new path.

This is a new journey that began that day last year to be sure and one that so far I am loving. Coaching is work that I know is of me and it feels right. Whatever I discover along the way, this new path is exciting.

Cheers.

and we raised our hands to the sun....

Ah we're back my girl and I from a beautiful, all-too-quick trip to Florida. Thanksgiving is my family's time to gather, celebrate and reunite. We meet in Florida because most everyone lives there. This time of year in my family is a sacred place in time. Renewing, fortifying, empowering is the time in being together.

Each night during or after our Thanksgiving meal, we go around the room and say what we are thankful for. All thirty so of us. Beautiful are these moments.

I look to my parents now in their eighties and relish every moment with them. I am honored to look to these two incredible people who raised their seven children and instilled such a sense of family in our hearts. I am grateful for my brothers who are salt of the earth each one, full of integrity and wisdom. I am thankful for my sister and sisters-in-law who for me bypass any in-law designation. I am grateful for the next generation in my nieces and nephews and all that I learn from them. I am grateful as my family continues to grow through marriage and new birth. I am grateful that with my family, I am always at home.

There are a lot of us and being with a big bunch can be overwhelming. What is most special I think are the intimate moments. A walk on the beach, a quiet talk. Seeing my girl play in delight with her cousins and uncles and aunties; Or knitting along side her older cousin and then crawling into her lap in the sun. I am grateful as I see the joy in my sweet dear father's face as he stands before us to give thanks. I am grateful as I see my mother strong and true still putting this beautiful tradition together.   These moments, every single one of them are precious. I know this. 

Another beautiful element in our time together is when the women in my family gather on the beach and celebrate one another. From ten months to eight-five, there are three generations of women connected. We share our strength, our dreams, growth and challenges, our thoughts, gratitude and our quiet. The time is sacred to be sure. We remind one another of our connection as women and as sisters generation to generation. We learn from one another. I look to my mother, our elder, to my sisters and nieces, to my daughter. I am amazed and honored we experience this together.

We were blessed this year to have a beautiful, chilly day for our circle in the sand. We raised our hands to the sun and gave thanks to the elements. We sent light to one anothe and to the outer circle beyond this circle in the sand. Every year our circle grows.

My niece took this picture of my girl and her cousin looking to the ocean. An image so precious to me. This is family. Connection. And for this, I feel so deeply grateful for our time together.

a week of firsts part deux

I don't speak more than a few words of French but oh how I love the sound of this language. And as I thought about what to title this post, part "deux" just seemed to roll right off my fingers as they type away.

Happy to say, i gained a little more freelance work this week:  Proofreading/Copy Editing. I loved it plain and simple. I love sitting at my dining room table working away paging through this particular piece of work finding not many issues but enjoying the exploration.

Many to do's lined up for this coming week in the way of must get to the design and build of my own website;  the design of my business cards. And all the while remember: work at my dream to work from home. work at my dream to work from home. One step at a time.

And in my attempt to get back to "a week of firsts", I wanted to share the other major component in our beautiful week of firsts. In real time, nearly two weeks have passed since our week of firsts began...Without further ado, two weeks ago today, I purchased (well if an 18-month/same as cash plan counts) my first DSLR. After a year of dreaming and saving, I did it. I bought a DSLR. As far as purchases go, signing away on this camera feels as big to me as buying our couch or my old Volvo. I researched cameras for months, interviewed friends and random strangers holding cameras to find out how they liked their beloved DSLRs. I wavered between the Nikon D series and the Canon Rebel. And in the end in a surprise to even me, I went with the Canon. Surprised only because I was completely sold on the Nikon until the very end. Both cameras are wonderful. I think it came down to the Canon because I was familiar with Canons given how hard I worked my point-and-shoot-on-steroids Powershot A610. Rarely shooting that baby on Auto once I discovered the joys of Aperture and Manual Settings, I couldn't wait to get my hands on a bigger camera.

I will share with you this, once I did that is get my hands on a DSLR, well I haven't been the same. I'm all aflutter. I'm in love. In love with my camera. I know it may sound a little bizarre to talk about a camera in these terms but its just how I feel. I  want to shout it from the rooftops. Taking pictures with this new camera, talking to my friends who shoot with a DSLR, trying to soak up as much practice and knowledge as I can, well I am over the moon. So here are a few glimpses into my first few moments and days with my new baby.  I didn't take the time to edit much of anything but here goes:

teabags never seemed so interesting

 macro setting,  just trying to capture those sweet little beads of condensation

ahh, sunflowers rising to the sky

So yes, I have much to learn about my new camera particular adjusting for light correctly. But that's all the fun. The learning and experimenting.  And while I'm sure I would love the Nikon just as much, I am thrilled with the Canon.

And there it is a wrap to a big week of firsts. Happy Weekend to All.

the late days of may....

Well, Mercury is on his way back apparently from where he came. Travelling for a couple more weeks. Heading back from his month-long stay in retrograde I'm figuring. Whether it Mercury on the go again or the fact that I had a really wonderful talk with my now six year old girl, my mama cosmic system feels more aligned than the week past. I am thankful for having the mind space to stop and check in with my girl and celebrate her growing in a sweet way just she and I, connecting through conversation. Thankful too for time in my garden. Hands in the soil always nourishing. Quiet meditation while digging. Grounding.

We capped off my gir's birthday week with her friends party this last Saturday. Usually, we've had her parties at home which has always been a lot of fun but this year we headed to one of our great local parks and celebrated there. There's a playground at this park so for nearly two hours kids were moving, running, jumping, swinging with time outs for snacks and stories. My dear friend who is like an Auntie to my girl treated the kids to a story while they snacked. We made an art table in the picnic shelter so kids could draw, color, paint. And I'd packed some face paints and thanks to a dear friend of mine, every one of these sweet children who wanted their face painted left shining with a lovely design of their choice.

This Mama likes to keep things simple when it comes to birthday parties. And that said, as simple as I always aim there's much to do to prepare. All fun though. the baking, snack planning and set up. We made gift bags from lunch bags and tried to keep them useful and fun. We nixed baloons and instead gave everyone a flower.  We opted for no gifts this year for the second year in a row though this year we tagged on a community giving project. We asked our friends to bring books for a kids book drive. This was my girls idea. I'm all for showering her with gifts and she gets plenty from her Papa and me and her grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends-like-family so we thought why not spread the love way outside of home. We collected a bin full of wonderful books thanks to the kind hearts of our many friends. I'm looking forward to taking our box full of books to one of our local agencies next week with my girl.

The rest of the weekend  lots of playtime with our dear neighbor friends. The kids jumped on the trampoline and sat in the kiddie pool and face painted themselves way way outside their faces. I so love watching their free spirits fly. On Sunday, we spent our morning into early afternoon at another local park yesterday where the kids biked round and round. My girl and I met our neighbors there and us mamas got to visit while the kids played. This kind of day, my favorite. organic as it unfolds, slow and free-flowing. Easy.

We played in the garden and added new starts to our raised bed vegetable garden, my girl's favorite: edamame and one of mine, cucumber. We are loving all the new blooms in our garden. Loving the new bursts of color and the magic that marks the near start of summer.

So farewell dear May 2009. Thank you for another beautiful year watching my girl grow. And thank you  for this taste of summer as the sun shines down. On we go, moving foward as we say hello to June.

for the mamas....

"Calgon Take me Away..."  Does anyone remember that ad?  Well, it came reeling back to me a couple of nights ago, when I felt a little tapped. My resources had runneth...dry.  I was just having an afternoon. Feeling a little edgy in need of some space. The cure I know would have been some time in my garden but it was pouring and  though that's not stopped me before with a girl in the shower, dinner in need of being thought up and made and a papa none to well splayed out on the couch watching hockey, gardening wasn't in the plans. I felt like going out for the evening just to get away with myself but also not in the plans. After voicing aloud an "ugh, this Mama feels spent, depleted tonight", my girl gave me one giant hug and told me she loved me and yes, this helped. And then I poured myself one glass of wine, took a deep breath in and yes, that helped too.

This week, I've been thinking about balance, finding it, losing it, finding it again in the world of being a mama. My post on weeding has had me thinking... Weeds are like needs. One bed tended too, the other one..full of weeds again overgrown. 

Alas. This, I'm convinced is life. Mamas in my circle of dear friends are in a similar cycle this week it seems because  everywhere I turn, my women friends are feeling slightly overtapped. And mind you, no one is complaining really, rather just sharing their story with another Mama who is listening and sharing her stories right along side.

Mamas putting out there percentages well over 100 to their young ones, to their work whether at home or school or outside of home, to their relationships. And Papas, maybe putting out just the same but this post is dedicated for and to the mamas, with Mother's Day coming and all.

I am intrigued and want to continue to explore how we refuel ourselves. How we save some percentage of energy for renewal in ourselves. I am looking at how we reuse, recycle, repurpose ourselves. Thinking about mamaecology is quite a passion of mine. Hearing stories and trying to help a sister Mama simplify her issue at hand, or feel better in a particular moment, or help to take one something off of her plate on a given day is what I love, building community among one another. 

The Mamas I know, are dedicated completely to providing all that they can of themselves for their children, their work at hand, their relationships and I'll say this again no one is complaining. Venting but not complaining. And hey complaining is aloud now and again. Sometimes it feels good just to say a loud "Ugh! or Waaah!" and move on.

With the venting sometimes comes self-chastising for even speaking aloud our harder moments. Mamas I know including myself holding a measuring stick of expectations as high as the moon about what needs to get done, how well we are or are not parenting, how healthy the meal is on our table, how well we are doing whatever work is at hand, how clean our home is, how big our laundry pile may be getting. And in that venting exercise, not much about how well we are nourishing themselves. 

Selfish to be wondering how to nourish, replenish ourselves? Nope.There is something in telling our truths that can be liberating. Even for the opportunity to breathe. I notice sometimes, we shudder in saying aloud anything that can be connoted as a negative or dare i say a complaint. Perhaps we may even feel guilt for feeling tired, spent, tapped and more so for talking about it out loud. Because we love our children with all that we have, and are blessed for the opportunities that we have to be doing what we do, we hesitate to say what we feel or even feel what we feel in the harder moments. There may be some part of us that feels less than if we dare share that we may be struggling. I'm not generalizing, perhaps there are many who never feel an ounce of anything but joy and delight in all that they balance but in the circle of powerful Mamas I know, there are moments.

To share though with one another is freeing I believe. From sharing and letting ourselves pour out, we grow by millimeters...miles. From purging, we create room perhaps for letting new energy in.

Venting makes room for breathing again. Venting can bring perspective. Movement forward. Recognition of what is. Tapping in to what is real. The opportunity to remember ourselves and nourish ourselves so we can nourish who and what are in our life. We nourish to renew our faith in what we believe. In the belief in ourselves. We nourish so we regain our optimism and gratitude.

When we vent, we can still love and feel tremendous gratitude for who and what we have in our lives. We can perpetuate forward motion with all that we have. When we let out loud what we feel, another ear, another voice tuning in may offer help, a new perspective, a reminder of what we may have forgotten about ourselves.

Mamas, nourish yourselves. Breathe in. Remember to be good to yourself. Say aloud. Good Job Mama for getting breakfast on the table, lunch made. Or for curling up in your favorite chair and reading a book today. Good Job Mama for saying "No" to putting one more thing on your plate and taking time instead for yourself in your garden.

And now for some gratitude...for my own Mama for who has taught me strength, loyalty, discipline, for sharing her stories and her mama's stories that undoubtedly become a part of me. For my sisters who make me laugh. Hard. For the time to work on who I want to be as mama and all that that encompasses. For my girl who teaches me everyday patience, understanding and being in the moment. For  the opportunities to even think and ponder on these ideas. For an amazing circle of women I am blessed to be part of. For my garden, the one outside that awaits me and the one inside...me. 

Happy Mama's Day to all the magnificent Mamas in my world and in the greater world. I learn from each of you something new everyday.

Have a beautiful day.

late night around the table...

 

March 20, the first day of Spring is also the  day i sprung into this world a few moons ago thanks to the help of my dear mama...and papa...

To mark this birthday this year, I had a vision..dear friends around our dining table sharing a great Italian meal. good wine, good company. Though a part of me thought about having a big bash, I thought more and decided small was better for me. I like being able to connect and visit with who's around the table and sometimes in a bigger crowd, that's more challenging. I gladly turned the planning to the Papa and let things ride.

My birthday started beautifully waking up to hugs from my girl and her thrill in saying "Mama its your birthday!" and notes from the Papa who'd already left for work.

The Papa had taken charge of cooking the feast to come but asked me if I'd make my birthday cake this year. He's learning to ease back and not bite off more than he can chew...this is a huge step in our house. I was game for making my own cake as I'd been dreaming of an old fashioned Orange Cake, the kind my Mama had made for more than one occasion in my growing up..

The night was beautiful. my vision come to light...dear friends around our table, kids playing upstairs..having fun of their own. an Italian feast, felt like our own version of "Under the Tuscan sun." Big gratitude to the Papa for orchestrating and bringing my vision to reality.

We enjoyed lots of wine. fantastic food and rich conversation. The Papa made 3 entrees and our friends brought magnificent dishes to round out the feast.  I loved looking down the table and seeing these loving, beautiful faces weaved together from various parts of my life.

As I sat there I thought this is beautiful proof of putting your vision out there and seeing it come to be. Imagine what else is possible.

So on this birthday, here's to a new path guided by intuition. Here's to gratitude that I feel... for having the opportunity in these moments to shape a new vision. For the great circle of friends and family around me...for this new age and  change in process. And I remind myself just be, have patience, dance and be light!

cake with a little photoshop on top

Tonight we celebrated the birthday of our dear neighbor. First a burrito dinner downtown that was all sorts of fun with 5 very silly kids and their mamas and papas; then cake back at our neighbor's house. And let me just say this was an amazingly delicious carrot cake and oh yes, gluten-free! 

The four candles represent the wonderful age our friend turned today. Welcome to Forty-Hood. Yahoo, I'm glad to have the company.

I brought my camera in order to first document some good ole cake eating and celebrating and because I really want to learn to take better night-time indoor pics with my little point and shoot on steroids as I call it. And so tonight, I come away with these 3 photos I rather like that aren't as blurry or orange as my night-time indoor photos usually are. Of course the Burnt Sienna walls I so love in my dining room may account for the orange tint in my photos, who knows.

Anyway, I also thought it would be fun to take the cake photos through a new round of actions I just downloaded here. Thank you Pioneer Woman! Actions to me, one who can become quite obsessed playing in Photoshop, are an amazing tool. I have no idea what goes into building Actions except to say....alot, alot, alot. And I am completely grateful to be able to download these and put them right to use.

Action #1: Cake circa "Seventies"

Action #2: cake ... "Colorized"

Action#3: cake from the "Heartland"

And there we go, an action-happy, cake-filled belly of a night spent with great friends. Yep, I am feeling grateful. And for that new set of Actions too, I am really really grateful.